I was hit with a wall of depression. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. It was at this time that I experienced the real grief and loss of my Dad in addition to all the other areas of loss I was dealing with. I had no experience with grief of this magnitude. I felt like part of myself was gone and it caused me to question myself in all area of my life.I loved the beautiful illustration of suffering as a "weight" that is necessary for divers to find pearls. I may have to do a study on the "weight of suffering".
-Who am I now?
-How am I living or not living my life?
-What is important to me?
-Where am I in my relationships? Etc., etc…
I was overwhelmed. I felt like a cat hanging from a cliff by its fingernails. I wasn’t sleeping or eating well and I was losing weight. I remember being afraid, confused, sad and hard on myself. With the help of counseling, medication, the support of friends and my faith, I slowly came out from the weight that was holding me down.
I searched the bible and wrote down every verse I could find on fear. Courage was my theme! I hung on to scripture and especially these words from Isaiah 43:1-5 “…this is what the Lord says – He who created you ….He who formed you…”Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; and you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass though the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior….since you are precious and honored in my sight because I love you….do not be afraid, for I am with you.”
Anne Lamott, in her book “Plan B”, says “Fear is the worst part….but underneath the fear I keep finding resilience, forgiveness and even grace.” She also says, “When God is going to do something wonderful, He starts with a hardship. When God is going to do something amazing, He starts with an impossibility.” She urges us to “practice radical hope.”
I remember praying one night asking God to take controls of the veritable “plane” that was going down again, surrendering it all to Him. I thanked Him for His power and presence in my life and for His unfailing love even thought I didn’t know where all of this was going. It’s at this point that you hang on to God’s promise that He has a plan for you and that it is good. I had a visual image of a “pilot light”. I thanked Him for keeping the pilot light on in my soul. That is all that I felt was there but it as there.
Another quote describes what I was experiencing come from a book by Ann Grahm Lotz called “Why?”, It says, “The burden of suffering seems to be a tombstone hung about our necks, while in fact, it is the weight necessary to keep down the diver while he/she is hunting for pearls.” During that time, God gave me the power to hang in there and remain deep as I searched for these pearls. Even though I was in a depleted and sort of “suspended” state, God was good. In the midst of my pain, I experienced a new capacity to trust God and know His grace!
I have received so many unexpected gifts during this season of loss ; too many to mention, but here are a few:
-A new appreciation for the support of women friends. They are critical for our survival!
-The importance of the gift of music in my life which brings me joy and connects me to God.
-The ability to slow down and look for God’s presence in all areas of my life.
-A depth of appreciation of simple moments of beauty and the presence of “the sacred” in “the ordinary”. It is like my vision and heart have been expanded for these things.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
A Beautiful Testimony
This is a very good description of what it feels like to be depressed. It is taken directly from a post entitled, "Diving for Pearls" which was posted on my birthday.
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